We won't sleep together?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
