he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
