If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
God, I missed his penis.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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