Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
