you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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