my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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