The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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