I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
