How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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