last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
