He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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