I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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