I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
