Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
