Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
