I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
