we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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