he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
