Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
