im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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