the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
