Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
