So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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