Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
