I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
