why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
