and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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