Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
