I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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