i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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