I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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