The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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