I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
