On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
