no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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