i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
