First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
