my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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