if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
