i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
