yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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