I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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