He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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