I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
