I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
