Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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