i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
