I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
