I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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