God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
