3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
