Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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